


"Voltron: The Untold Story" or "5 Heads are Fatter than 1"

by The_Qing



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender, Voltron: Lion Voltron
Genre: Angry Giant Robot Narrator, Commentary Track, Other, Voltron has no chill and hates almost everybody, Why does Voltron not have a character tag, Why was there so little Voltron in a show titled Voltron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 08:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7260145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Qing/pseuds/The_Qing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’re probably wondering how I got into this mess.” The first season of Voltron - Legendary Defender as told from the five mouths of the titular giant robot himself who’s pretty miffed that he didn’t get more screen time and is rather annoyed by both hero and villain alike. It’s Five Color Commentary at its best. Uncut, yet inexplicably abridged!</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Voltron: The Untold Story" or "5 Heads are Fatter than 1"

**Author's Note:**

> In the grand tradition of Kung Pow - Enter the Fist!, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, the Emperor’s New Groove, that one Robot Chicken Star Wars special with the Emperor, and Werner Herzog documentaries comes this acerbic, meandering, self-absorbed commentary of the first 11/13 episodes of the new Voltron reboot from the perspective of the real star of every giant robot anime, cartoon, or movie: the robot. It’d be longer, but he’s not in the show 100% of the time. Just in about half of it and only for a few minutes per episode. 
> 
> However, if it goes over well enough with you guys, I might make a full-fledged Voltron POV fic that goes through every episode, even the ones where he isn’t “formed.” Like a Commentary Track!

**In media Rest-in-Peace**

Keith: We lost the sword! Something’s malfunctioning!  
Coran: What’s happening?  
Lance: Somebody do something! Voltron’s frozen up!  
Keith: Shiro!  
Shiro: I-can’t-hold it!

## [RECORD SCRATCH]

## [FREEZE FRAME]

Yup, that’s me. Voltron: Legendary Defender. Eponymous giant robot? Made up of Five Lions? Deadpool used me in a simile once? Anyway, you’re probably wondering how I got into this mess. Outnumbered. Outgunned. On the cusp of dismemberment.

Well, it’s not the most pleasant story you’ll ever hear. It’s kind of tragic actually. Which is odd, considering how many CLOWNS and WISE GUYS are in it. Don’t believe me? You don’t think the extraordinarily powerful 100 meter android can have a bad day? Let’s see if this will change your mind.

**Prologue: A Star is Torn**

Hundreds of Thousands of Years Ago, there was nothing. And THEN, there was VOLTRON! And it was good. So very, very, very, very, very good. Bam. Nailed it. Optimus Prime, eat your Matrix of Leadership out. Next segment! What? You want the real story? The Secret Origin of Voltron? Well, tough. Saving that for the memoir. It’s gonna be huge. La Via del Voltron. The Honest Truth. Five-part color coded saga. When that gets turned into a movie, you can bet DiCaprio won’t be the only LEO with an Oscar. Revenant? More like RevenANT. But I guess I have to give you something. Soooo…one night, when I was just a little 3-story robot boy, I was walking home from the movies with my parents when they were violently gunned down in front of me by a mecha mugger. The parents, that is, not the movies. The movies made it out okay. From that day on, I devoted my filthy rich and totally handsome self to fighting crime as a way of avenging their tragic deaths. And since crooks are a superstitious and cowardly lot, I took on the guise of the noble Lion to prey upon their fear (and for the toy deals, but that’s neither here nor there).

For the next few dozen centuries, I was doing pretty well. Had quite the reputation: Voltron the Vicious. Voltron the Vengeful. Voltron the Vile. Not the most flattering epithets, but none of them insulted my looks or mental faculties, so I was cool with them. One day, this dude I decapitated was all, ‘Hey, awesome jerk that I’m jealous of. I bet you couldn’t take on the Space Goddess.’ Then I crushed his skull, but he got me thinking that out of everything I’d beaten over the ages, I hadn’t spanked a real deity yet, much less THE Goddess. 

So I flew up to her domain while she was on break, you can thank her ‘me time’ moments for your Dark Ages, and challenged her to a friendly sparring match. She took it way too far and sucker punched me. I tried to fight back and I probably would have won, but the sun was in my eye and I had some slight indigestion that afternoon, so she lucked out. Split me up into five pieces and scattered them across the universe until the Alteans found them and had the good sense to put me back together. Which took a while, I’m not too fond of this period, let’s skip ahead. Ah, and she also mentioned something about me learning courage, compassion, wisdom, and yadda-yadda-yadda, fast forward.

**Episode 1: PalaDimwits**

** **

Ugh. I’d introduce these yahoos one segment at a time, but my putz patience threshold is infamously low. And they should be thankful that I’m mentioning them at all. When you get a fancy watch, do you ask for the backstories of every little cog and screw? How about when you look at a painting? Is, ‘where did this paint come from’ the first question on your mind? No. You’re all about the master piece. The fully realized whole! The corpus complete.

The ADULT of the group’s Shiro. Cyborg, partially amnesic , probably has PTSD from being a prisoner of the Garla, who we’ll get to later; He’s also ‘cursed’ with one of those ‘neat’ scars. The sort that’s super noticeable, but visually appealing somehow, instead of looking like a big pink sea slug hiding under the skin.

The short one’s Pidge aka Katie aka Mulan by way of Harrison Ford aka the hacker/inventor/whatever geeky field you need an expert in the time when this guy isn’t around:

Hunk, fat ninja karate kid turtle, note the headband, reluctant to be here in spite of willingly applying to be an astronaut. Role in the team might seem redundant, but they’ll need all the brains they can get to balance the lack thereof of the guy sitting in the chair.

Lance. If I had to say something nice about this flatulent, poon-crazed, caramel imbecile, it’s that he’s the most well groomed and prettiest smelling member of the team, and…that’s it.

Also starring Keith. Moving on.

**Episode 1: Lion Queen**

** **

Princess Allura. Or as I like to call her, Princess Allur-Ooo-La-La. Now before you go judging me, let me argue my case. She’s rich, she’s hot, she’s royalty, she’s legal, and her dad is dead. She’s a quintuple threat; one for each Lion to enjoy. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve fantasized about that curvaceous rump setting itself down into the firm, yet pliable contours of my pilot seats, those elegant ebony digits taking hold of my controls as the calluses graze upon their surface, letting you know that this dame’s seen some action and is all the stronger for it.  

How I would struggle to suppress a quiver as those perfect, dazzling eyes gazed out of my viewscreen in search of conquest or danger, not knowing that the viewscreen was gazing right back. We’d charge into battle together, her furtive breathing and the ministrations of my engines growing in loudness and intensity, faster and faster until they were completely in synch, blended together into the most powerful and tender of roars.

We share this kind of spiritual connection, but i’m hoping to supercharge her shapeshifting abilities with Quintessence at some point, so she can grow to about ye high and we can physically practice our slow dance. Horizontally.

**Episode 1: The Moronic (Rhymes with Mechanic)**

** **

Coran. Mechanic. As if there weren’t enough nerds in this story all ready. We’re up to about four, I think. Great singing voice on this one, mostly shrieks though. Ginger, but not naturally. Please keep that on the down low, he’s astoundingly sensitive about it. He used to the King’s most trusted advisor. Which explains why Allura’s an orphan now.

**Episode 1: Bat Blood Baptism**

** **

Took you guys long enough. Voltron’s back, baby. And you Garla…are marooned! And likely dead. These teenagers just killed you. You probably won’t be the last. That’s messed up. I hope none of you had families, because then I’d probably have to kill them too. In self defense. But I’m back, baby. So who cares about how many widows I might have to fist in the future?

**Episode 2: The Power of Friendship, but mostly Voltron**

** **

Wow. So you’re telling me that the key to getting these unique individual components to work together and form a greater whole…was teamwork? If my mind wasn’t bomb-proof, you’d be blowing it all apart with all this choice knowledge.

**Episode 3: A Giant Killer Grape**

** **

This looks bad and it felt bad too, but this was actually one of the high points of my rebirth. You see, after the Alteans figured out how to make me work, they put me to work. I was their top enforcer, their greatest weapon, the Ace of Space, if you will. There was one problem though. I was too good at what I did. I had all ready killed every ‘somebody my own size’ and greater. So for my entire stint as a force for peace, it was all ‘Blast these ships, Voltron,’ or ‘Vaporize this base, Voltron.’ A giant robot made up of 5 smaller Lion robots. Nobody else had that and nobody ever tried to. I was the most obnoxious weapon of war ever seen. The gaudiest annihilator in all of existence. If I wasn’t so inherently macho, I would’ve been camp. I didn’t even look like regular Altean tech assets. It was embarrassing.

It was like going to a backyard barbecue in a bespoke tailored suit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re going to score all the tail there, but you’ll feel kind of sorry for all the slobs who came with their cargo shorts and short-sleeved polos. So this big robot-monster-robot, inconvenient, but it kind of validates my existence. Sending me to fight a regular armada? No way to make me look good there. A Robeast? At least I have something to suplex.

**Episode 3: Blinded by the Fight**

** **

Sorry about that. Doused Keith with a built-in strobe light. Really intense stuff. It would either give him a seizure or inspire him to do something brilliant for once. And sure enough, SWOOOOOOOOORD! That seizure might have also happened, but SWOOOOOOOOOORD!

**Episode 7: Shooting the Ground will Hurt the Planet**

** **

Back again after three whole episodes of you idiots trying to get laid. Thank you, ever so much. And look where you’ve brought me! A living planetoid whose surface…is made of giant monster skin. Wonderful. And those tremors are…its moans of pain. Worst. Battlefield. Ever.

**Episode 8: That one time I saw a planet eat somebody**

** **

Complete failure. That’s what this is. ‘Oh, but Voltron, this one had 23 Eyes, how ever were they supposed to overcome?’ Do you know how many eyes I have?

12.

2 on each hand and foot with 4 on my face!

You add the ten my so-called pilots got pinballing in their noggins, and we’re up to a total of 22! One extra eye was all that the Garla needed to lay us out like laundry. The Paladins didn’t even have the good sense to double tap. Hey, morons! You do remember that the last one we fought EXPLODED, right?

**Episode 11: OtaZarkon 2016**

** **

Zarkon. Living proof that you can, in fact, judge a book by its cover. Why did King Alafor give this creep a chance at heroism? Are you seriously asking that? He’s the same guy that hired Coran!

This grouch is critical, merciless, demanding, hideous, and fun fact, the only Paladin I ever had that ate in his cockpit. Got the control yokes all sticky with every spilt drink and there were food bits, like, everywhere, everyday, for years. Really anti-social guy, who decided to make himself emperor, thus ensuring he’d be bothered by people 24/7. Go figure.

And that’s not even the worst part. Yes, he’s a ferocious mass murderer that wants to suck the universe dry of Quintessence and then fill me with crumbs, but I can’t take him seriously because of his clothes. At best, he’s impersonating a Paladin (or Magneto), at worst, it’s cosplay. It’s probably the former, but I just can’t take that chance. I will self-destruct and disintegrate most of the whole known universe first before I ever let something as pathetic and deranged as a cosplayer FORM THE HEAD! Paladins! Don’t fail me now! You don’t want to know what this guy does to my Bayard slots when he thinks nobody’s looking!

**Epilogue: Into the Wild Blue, Red, Green, Yellow, and Black Yonder**

** **

Little epilogue here. Little after the atrocity action report. Surprisingly, I’m not as angry as I thought I’d be if this happened again. I guess I’m just used to getting torn apart, losing myself to the beautiful void, and being away from the most beautiful woman in the universe. As my consciousness fades with time and distance, I can only guess what trials the Paladins will undergo as they’re Lost in Space like a Firefly swarm blown into an unfamiliar Expanse, out there in the Farscape.

Perhaps some will find themselves in the Andromeda sector or somewhere of crueler Gravity; Starship Troopers separated from their commanding officer as they travel Macross each Star, Trek by trek, Duck Dodgering danger and Predators all the while so they can get back into their Battlestar Galactica. Maybe it will go by smoother if they find a Stargate or makes friends with a Cowboy Bebop. Babylon 5. Doctor Who. Lexx. Who here remembers Lexx? I couldn’t find a way to get that in there. Look, my mind’s being stretched thin like cheap taffy, give me a break, this bit’s the best I can do at the moment. Red Dwarf. Aliens? No, that’s too generic a title. I’m, ah, I’m sorry. I’m actually nervous about my current situation. Hard to think now. Can’t…fake…brave. It would be nice if everyone found a sort of sanctuary to relax in for a while. I think they deserve…a…little…rest. I just hope none of me winds up back on Sloth World though.

That place sucked.


End file.
